Discussion forum for Jason Heyward's anti-fans
(Chi. Cubs, MLB).
Does he suck?
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Does anyone know where I can get last years 4th of July Cubs giveaway? You knew the double bobble head with Jason Heyward belching into Ben Zobrists Anus? I’ve seen it once at a massive queer dumpster party and loved that they even recorded Jason’s belch so one can press a button and hear Jason’s monster belch. I really need this and any help would he appreciated.
Jason saw my post and recently contracted me. He claims his belches can cure hemmorids and even AIDS! He wants 30 bucks to cure my anus. Does anyone think it’s worth it? Jason said he’s willing to come to my home for 30 bucks and if I visit him at his Wrigley Field locker room home he would knock it down to $20.
Take this in. On thanksgiving this hero spent his day at a homeless shelter. He was there to help feed the homeless and did so by farting on each persons plate. He also provided entertainment by loudly belching. He even spent the night where he engaged in some hot man action with at least 30 homeless derelicts. What a man. A true Cubs hero.
Jason is a true hero. I once saw him eat 23 Taco Bell tacos, and guzzle down two massive Mountain Dew Baja Blasts. He then proceeds to fart and belch into each partrons face before taking a nasty shit in the corner.
Fellow Rook, it seems pretty obvious that Heyward is a future Hall-of-Famer. His notorious belch into Ben Zobrist’s anus during the game 7 rain delay single-handedly won the World Series for the Cubs! I would love to see an interactive display like the one you suggested as it would help market the game to the younger generation!
Rook, I totally ageee. Jason has always been known for his solid defense. But his intangibles are what make him truly great. One day soon I hope the hall of fame puts up a display. It would have a wax figure of Jason and one could press one of two buttons. One would cause Jason to lower and a teammate would rise from the floor so Jason could belch into his asshole. The other button would have Jason bend over slightly and an opposing teams catcher would pop out so Jason could fart in his face. This of course would have top notch sound effects as well as some kind of smells. This would quickly become the Hall of Fame’s star attraction. I would take my kids to see this many times and we would delight in determining who got to press the button. I would be able to show my kids first hand how a real baseball player plays the game. Of course the rest of the display would be covered in KFC buckets and empty bottles of grape soda.
Jason may suck at hitting, but his intangibles price he’s a great player. We all know he provides great defense, but he really adds excess value with his knowledge of rank farts. He knows exactly how much grape soda and “extra crispy” KFC to consume in order to produce the most potent farts possible to help the Cubs win either through motivating his teammates or incapitating opposing ball players. He truly is an asset to the Cubs and it is a travesty that he was overlooked yet again in the recent NL MVP voting!!!
Jason was working on his stance today. One that allows him to fart in the catchers face, causing mixed signals between an opposing teams catcher and pitcher along with blinding the catcher who will develop watery eyes from Jason’s potent stink. Now what do you have to say sucka!
I have solid info that clubs have seen this forum and are interested in having Jason work out for them. They have no interest in traditional baseball skills. Instead they want to workout Jason’s belching and newly developed farting skills. Will Theo respond? Will the Cubs part with their best player in order to land in what I’m hearing could be at least 5 top tier players? It will depend on how far Jason has progressed with his farts. If he can show a team he can stink up an entire locker room with one blast as loud as a steam whistle the Cubs could expect to be able to demand anything for him!
Today Jason was spotted a Taco Bell guzzling down Mountain Dew Baja blast and belching up a storm for the customers. On his way out a baby started crying and Jason backed his ass to its face and ripped a monster fart. The baby instantly stopped crying and the entire restaurant including the baby’s mother started cheering! What a hero and great Cubs community representive Jason is!
‘Last season, when he was the highest paid position player in the game, Heyward spent most of his time in the six or seven hole. And batted a measly .259. With just four stolen bases. And only 30 extra-base hits in 432 at-bats.‘ How dare this hack of a sports writer neglect to mention Heyward belching into the assholes of his teammates, or manning the dugout glory hole at Wrigley! Jason is much more then an offensive stud. He’s a true motivator and team champion. Right now he is deep in the bowels of Wrigley in his locker room home. He’s working on mixing a new grape soda and Mountain Dew concoction to propel his belches and farts into the stratosphere next season! How could this team even think of trading that away!!
Jason has created a top secret lab in his home within his Wrigley Field locker room home. He has been working on mixing Welch’s grape soda with Mountain Dew, then running tests to see if he can increase the power of his farts and belches. His pepperoni fart training is going well, and if he comes up with grape Mountain Dew he could be ready by spring training to blast his teammates anus’s with belches so forcefully they won’t know what hit them! This man is worth at least 10 times what he’s being paid!
I read that there’s a rumor that the Giants want to trade Jeff Samardzija and Mark Melancon to the Cubs in exchange for Heyward. All three players have huge contracts despite being terrible on the field. However, Heyward is far more valuable for his motivation skills. A Heyward belch into a slumping player’s anus will quickly break that player out of the slump! Hopefully the Cubs management comes to its senses and realizes that the trade would be a total rip-off for the Cubs. Heyward ‘s belches alone are worth $25 million/year!!
Can anyone confirm that Jason is living this offseason in the Cubs locker room? I’ve heard he feels this offers the perfect location as he can hit up Taco Bell, then return to his Wrigley home to go diarrhea and practice belching and farting. What total dedication. I have solid info there have also been quite a few late night shower sessions with numerous lucky men!